By: Tom Murray
Investigative Reporter
Exclusively for The Paws Newsletter

The answer to this question wasn’t as easy and straightforward as I thought. This seems to be a tightly held secret so as any self-respecting business owner would do, I launched and investigation into the DOM selection process. I have finalized this report on this highly regarded secret process with great peril to my own personal safety.

First and foremost, my disclaimer, “I Tom Murray, have absolutely nothing to do with the Dog-Of-The-Month (DOM) selection nor do I have any influence on who is even nominated for DOM. I just report the results, so don’t kill the neutered messenger!

The process is extremely convoluted and complex from what I have observed. If you thought the Di Vinci Code was complex with its secretive society, The Paws Counselor Code makes that look like a fairy tale.

It has three (4) phases to it:

• Phase 1 – Elimination Phase
• Phase 2 – Select the nominees
• Phase 3 – Parent Evaluation
• Phase 4 – DOM Selection

It starts late in the month when the respective Resort Managers ask for DOM candidates from the Paws Counselors for the next month. This is a key bit of information because through my perilous investigation I have identified that the Paws Counselors wield the power in the voting process. Individually they are very cooperative and professional people but collectively they become an almost demonic force to be reckoned with. Makes me shudder and gives me bumps just to think about it.

Phase 1 – The elimination phase. A list of all dogs that attended daycare (including boarding dogs) is give to each Paws Counselor. For each and every dog they notate which, if any

1. 1. Bit them
   2. Used them as a pee bush/tree
   3. Made them look really stupid on the webcams
   4. Are constant butt sniffers (this one supports #3)
   5. Waited until the counselor put away the mop and then immediately peed/pooped on the cleaned area
   6. Used Counselors as a Jungle Jim
   7. Used Counselors as launching pads
   8. Doesn’t take fingers off when getting their treats
   9. Responded to Counselor commands with attitude and a look that says:

• • • You talkin to ME!
    • Who the #*%* do you think you are!
    • Here is a quarter, call somebody that cares!
    • It wasn’t me it was that wacked-out Pug!
    • I’ll go home when I’m ready, right now I’m busy!
    • Barking is what I do! I’m a beagle, geez
    • I’m a poodle and would like to be in another group with some class
    • You want my attention, you had better have a treat in that hand!
    • I’m the pack leader, you do as I say!
    • I’m a Weimaraner and no I’m not on drugs, this is normal!
    • Put on my collar and leash then shut-up and hang on cause I’m going home!
    • Just give me that treat and you sit and give me a high 5!
    • I’m not just jumping on you just to jump fool, I’m coping a feel!
    • No HUMPING, what kind a joint is this? I’m a love machine!
    • Blah, blah, blah is it lunch time yet!
    • Hey Jessie James with the squirt bottle, you missed a spot!
    • What’s a little diarrhea among friends? Now get that cleaned up before somebody steps in it
    • Sure I eat poop once in awhile, geez just trying to help you out! Ya want a kiss?
    • You want respect? You put one negative thing on my daily report card and my parents freak out and buy the “Cesar Milan collection” and make my life at home a living hell.

The Paws Counselors have been taught telepathic dog talk by our lead trainers, Wendi and Kacey. I asked if they would teach me and they said that “I couldn’t handle the truth” and to leave it alone. I think I have found the “Cult” leaders!

Ok, now we know what washes a dog out of the DOM competition so which dogs make it through the first pass and why?

Phase 2 Select the Nominees. I will use the analogy of the 2-legged school kids and my own childhood experiences to identify the DOM nomination personal characteristics. I will also give you a little personal history that confirms my credibility and in-depth knowledge in this matter.

I was subjected to a Catholic school education with Franciscan Nuns, better known as the Lord’s maidens with lifetime PMS. I think this happened when they took their vows, then “poof” constant cranky.

The nuns would label each and every kid when they completed kindergarten, those “going to heaven” and “those going to hell”. Those going to heaven got all the perks and attention, sharp scissors, new crape paper and their own nap mat. For those of us with the “going to hell” label, we got the snub nose scissors, used materials, and took our naps on the floor in selected room corners.

The “going to heaven kids” behavior patterns and characteristics were:

1. “Let me carry your books Sister”
2. “I’ll clean the erasers Sister”
3. “Let me get the door for you Sister”
4. “If you have to go out of the room Sister, I’ll let keep a list and you know who was misbehaving”
5. “Tom Murray was making faces behind your back Sister!”

Enough! I could go and on but reliving those memories for this article could throw me right back on the therapist’s couch. You get the picture, Butt Kissers (going to heaven kids and DOM nominations) and Butt Sniffers (going to hell kids not making the DOM cut)

I have collected enough data on this subject that will probably warrant a book in the future which will be appropriately titled, “Kissing your way to the top or sniffing your way to the bottom”. Here are some excerpts from the book that will help you and your 4-legged kid if you think they have been labeled “going to hell with never a chance of being DOM”.

That attitude and look is soooo important! Work on your precious pups to emulate any or all of these looks, they are sure winners!

These guys could be serial killers and no jury would convict!

These are things you can teach your dog at home since you probably have experience in these areas already in your real people life:

1. First, teach your dog to gently tug on a shoelace to get attention. No biting, this an immediate “going to hell” label.
2. Ok, they have the Counselor’s attention,
   1. When your dog passes gas teach them to look at the Counselor (you) then a Standard Poodle or Bull Dog in the group. Use dog flash cards for training. If you can get them to scrunch their nose up and point towards or look at an innocent bystander, much the better
   2. Teach them to come over and lay their head in your lap when you are frustrated. In turn they will do this with a Counselor letting them know they sympathize with them having to deal with all the “going to hell kids”
   3. Teach them to be a tattle tale (tail). It helps if they have a sibling at home or a cat, gerbil, parakeet or any living, breathing poop producing animal will do, even 2-legged kids will do in a pinch to practice with.
   4. Teach them to sniff out the poop (don’t eat it) and report it to you immediately and then be able to point out or identify the culprit. This is a major brownie point with Counselors to have a dog find poop behind and under the car bed or the couch and also be able pinpoint the criminal.

Phase 3 Parent Evaluations. I’m told by an insider that 50% of the voting criteria is based upon the parents interaction with the Counselor staff. Aha, this is where I would find the graft and the under-the-table dealings, I was sure!

Using my exhaustive questioning and highly honed interrogation techniques I have discovered the following:

• Heart rendering stories about your dog or any other personal heart-tugging stories will work, the sympathy light is always on with these folks
• Counselors remember who gave them cookies and candy during the holidays; I guess this could be considered graft
  • I searched the employee break rooms at both resorts for any clues and what I found will probably warrant another whole investigation but I did find a list of customers along with the treats they brought in for the counselors on major holidays, i.e., cookies, candy, cakes, etc. Then a grading system on the treats, 1-5, one (1) being the highest score.
• A kind word to a counselor goes a loooong way, sucking up to the manager, not so much
• Telling them they look slimmer in person than on the webcams
• Compliment them on their mopping and poop cleanup techniques. They take a lot of pride in this and have been pushing for their own TV show, “Got Poop?”
• Read your report cards and comment! They think they are dog psychologists so play along

Phase 4 DOM Selection

The all important DOM Selection process. Each Counselor submits their nomination for DOM and the dog with the majority of votes wins. Pretty simple if they all nominated the same dog but nooooo that never happens.

Every month they get to this phase and here is where they give speeches supporting their nomination, back-room deals are done, trade-offs discussed and the voting continues until a dog receives the majority votes. Then they let me know.

That’s it!

Well my version anyway and I’m sticking to it!